I AM a massive fan of the Hog. To perform the required exercise on your hog I will need to bring along some apes. A hog must have apes. So once I’ve got the ’bars sorted out I will grab your shiny little leather vest, tie a rope onto it and drag it up and down the street behind your hog. I will also give your black boots a hit with the grinder wheel. At least when you are next standing at the bar in your ‘biker’ outfit it will look like you’ve seen a bit o’ shit, and if perhaps the Mexican cartel pulls up they will know better than to start some shit with a warhorse. After cracking your hog around and getting it all kinds of out of shape I will park it amongst the homeless for a night or two to give it that ‘slept in’ look.
ROAD BIKE (CAFÉ RACER, DUCATI, BUELL, ETC)
I WILL jump-start your exotic two-wheeler and head down to the café. I will then set a PB in the muffin event – all double-choc with cream, no mini-muffin or muesli carrot slice. I want the Elvis muffin times four, and a litre of bowel-rumbling coffee. Once I’ve lapped the decaf drinkers on the beanbags, I will head out into the car park, look the propeller-heads wearing road-bike boots in the eye, smoke the shit out of the back tyre and pull a retarded wheelstand away. Fuck decaf.
I WILL hook your unused trailer up and tow it through puddles at the local quarry at 60km/h to give it that authentic look. Then I will put it in my backyard and spend a day or two getting ‘outback’ drunk with it. I will let my dogs run through it. Whack a few bumper stickers on. Empty the gas bottles and fill up the bins. I will bend the door, and fit the spare tyre. A week later, in the dead of night, I will park it in your front yard and you can wow your neighbours with yarns about your wild adventure and derring-do.
YEP, here at Redmond’s we even do bicycles. We have two main packages to choose from.
PACKAGE 1: I will jump on your deadly treadlie and ride flat-out into my stationary box trailer, then abuse the fuck out of the trailer for failing to levitate out of my exalted way, all the while filming the incident on GoPro, seemingly intent on solving the crime rather than preventing it.
PACKAGE 2: I will put on all of your Lycra and carbonfibre riding clothes and go stand in front of a full-length mirror. Once I am happy that I look the part I will punch myself in the head.