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There’s an old saying: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s probably a duck.
Unless of course it’s the size of a bloody ostrich, in which case it’s probably a performance SUV. Ever rising power outputs, increasingly sophisticated electronic systems and clever suspension engineering mean that these steroid-fed faux-by-fours are now, in some instances, able to offer a startlingly accurate imitation of proper performance cars.
An example: in a recent comparison test, the Mercedes-AMG GLE63 belted up the drag strip in 12.30sec at 183.77km/h, passing 100km/h in just 4.18sec on its way there.
Those figures are almost identical to those recorded by the Porsche 911 GT2 during Performance Car of the Year 2001, a car that then-Deputy Editor Jesse Taylor distinctly remembers climbing out of and thinking “well, that’s it, cars can’t possibly get any faster than that.”
Another example. Range Rover recently crowed to all and sundry that its Sport SVR was the fastest production SUV to lap the famed Nurburgring Nordschleife, having taken just 8min14sec to lap the 22km circuit.
It was a record swiftly batted away by Porsche’s latest Cayenne Turbo S, which managed the same feat in just 7min59.74, a time that needed every ounce of Walter Rohrl’s skill to achieve in a 996-series 911 GT3.
After all, the latest GT3 is over 30 seconds up the road from the Cayenne Turbo S, while the humble Megane Trophy-R – a car with less than half the power and torque (and yes, 1000kg less to haul) – is five seconds faster.
It’s why, after a few years of experimentation, SUVs were deemed ineligble from PCOTY. To be honest, a couple are now probably impressive enough – BMW X5 M and the aforementioned Cayenne – to make a case for inclusion, but ultimately the driving experience is so much less satisfying than anything with a proper centre of gravity.
Yes, they’re built because they sell in extremely large numbers, but just because something is popular doesn’t make it a good idea. Just look at Justin Bieber, or planking (remember that?).
No matter your budget, the right combination of space and pace is out there, just closer to the ground than you might realise.
