First, a trigger warning: this column touches on the male genitals. Wait, no, I’m not literally touching on some male genitals, I mean this column deals with the male genitals, and Teslas, and a new device that combines the two.
So if that’s the sort of thing that makes you phone the vicar, or write to the papers in outrage, then skip right over this page, and I won’t blame you. After all, if you wanted to read about a dick in a Tesla, you’d be on Elon Musk’s Twitter account.
For those still reading, I have one word for you: Automoblow.
In the words of the Automoblow website: "Enjoy satisfaction while your Tesla drives itself. The first sexual pleasure device for self-driving cars." (More specifically, for the drivers of self-driving cars. Sadly, the cars have to pleasure themselves.)
It’s an automatic junk-fondler you can install in your Tesla to give you robotic happy endings while you drive.
"Spice up your daily commute or long road trip with a blowjob!" boasts the manufacturer. You think I’m making this up. I’m not. Google it, if you want it showing up in your search history.
There are so many questions. Like: why Teslas? Are Tesla owners less likely to make it with an actual human, or are early adopters more turned on by robots than people? And: does it affect the range? How much power is this thing drawing? I suppose that probably depends how long it takes to, y’know, reach your destination. But you might want to factor that in, if you are using this thing on a long road trip, or you might run out of juice.
And: on your daily commute? Really? You better be commuting at four in the morning, or have the darkest window tint known to science, because believe me, from the driver’s seat of any SUV, I can see into your Model S, and I don’t need to see you reaching Insane Mode while I’m stuck next to you at the lights.
And not to sound naive, but: why do you need the car to be on Autopilot to get a blowjob? The “roadjob” is not a new concept, and drivers have managed to keep at least one eye on the road while receiving attention from the passenger seat for decades. Once we have truly autonomous cars – and right now, Tesla’s Autopilot is not really that – you won’t even need a machine, because you can, y’know, take care of things yourself.
I can hear the old fuddy-duddies tut-tutting: “It’s a safety issue because it takes two hands to unbutton your RM Williams.” Okay, but in-car handsy-ness is why tracksuit pants were invented in the first place. That, and all-you-can-eat pizza night, and I suppose to keep athletes warm. So, in the top three reasons tracksuits were invented. In fact, if you see a Tesla owner wearing trackies at this point, I’d be suspicious.
And: can you even really call it a blowjob? I’m not going to describe exactly how this thing works – again, you can Google it if you really want to know – but I’m not sure that’s the word we’re looking for. I don’t know if there is a word for this. I don’t know if there should be.
And: how do you explain it to anyone who gets in the passenger seat? “What’s that thing?” “It, uh, it opens soft drink bottles… I mean, it’s a blood pressure gauge… would you believe, it polishes golf balls? Okay, okay, you’re riding in my mobile rub’n’tug. Sorry, Mum.”
And: can you tell if a Tesla has had one of these things installed in the past? Because I know at least one motoring journo I wouldn’t put it past, and I want to know if I need to wear a full-body hazmat suit the next time I get in a press car after him. Yick.