Before HSV’s fate as an importer and converted for GM was sealed, it used to turn Holden Commodores into faster Commodores, and called them things like ‘GTS’ and ‘Maloo’. Remember those?

This story was first published in MOTOR Magazine, May 2017.

Unfortunately, like almost every other company on the planet, not everything HSV dipped its toe into was a success, and these are five cars that didn’t quite change the world for the better.

Behold, the five rather disappointing HSV models.

1. HSV Jackaroo

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This thing was so embarrassing, it didn’t even get full HSV billing. Instead it was a Holden Jackaroo HSV and even in 1993, it was standing joke material. HSV threw air-con and an LSD at it and you got some lower body mouldings which reduced its off-road potential to just about zilch.

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Come to think of it, maybe in that regard it was way ahead of its time. Nah… The engine was the 3.2-litre V6 and the only mechanical change was a switch to alloy wheels. It wasn’t until the Hummer H3 of 2007 that Holden would again scale such heights of irrelevance.

2. HSV SV1800 Astra

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So it made sense for Holden to do whatever it could with the car. But, somehow, dumping a batch of them on HSV was probably not the wise decision it seemed at the time. Stickers, wheels and some plastic, folks.

3. HSV Commodore LE

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Don’t remember them? No surprise there: it was a stock VN Commodore V6 complete with 125kW and all the driveline harshness you could eat. Maybe there was something in this approach back then (although I can’t think what) but these days, not even the HSV badge can infer any real merit.

4. HSV Avalanche

The AWD set-up made for a too-wide front axle and the system forced HSV into a compromised header design that robbed power. It was auto only and about as sporty as championship darts. More mud-slide than Avalanche.

5. HSV Calais SV88

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Even with its price-tag north of $40K, you were stuck with 136kW and the old three-speed Traumatic auto was the only transmmission on offer. Not even the hectares of fuzzy velour trim could save it. Actually, finding one now would be the trick.