Cars, of course, have a personality, which is more than can be said for some celebrities. So let’s ponder which cars the big stars would be, or should be driving, so closely are their styles and sensibilities linked.
LEONARDO DI CAPRIO - TOYOTA PRIUS
Di Caprio is one of the many Hollywood hipsters who are down with fighting climate change, from the comfort of their carbon-spewing private jets, and have thus bought whole fleets of Toyota Priuses.
He’s since moved on to the far more rock-star Fisker Karma, a car that is actually quite cool… but we think he will forever be a Toyota Prius.
JENNIFER HAWKINS - JAGUAR F TYPE
Look at the Jaguar, look at its unbelievably perfect rear end, its overall sense of proportion, its drop-dead gorgeousness, and now look at Jennifer Hawkins. The two could have been drawn with the same pencil, although arguably even Jaguar designer Ian Callum couldn’t have come up with something as stunning as Hawko. It could be argued that she should be an Australian car, but we’ve simply never made one beautiful enough to reflect her. And like the big, loud Jaguar F-Type her power is in her simplicity. What you see is what you get; a big old smile, basically.
ANGELINA JOLIE - ROLLS-ROYCE PHANTOM
Not just any Phantom, but one converted to run on unicorn farts and to produce only food packages and medicine for those in need at the exhaust. And possibly with an extra row of seats for all those kids.
SHANE WARNE - LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR SUPERVELOCE
Warney as a car would have to be big and shouty and painted a kind of disturbing orange meets brown with a touch of puce colour called “Tan Falso” (it’s Italian for fake tan).
The Aventador is perfect because it’s a big load of bull and what it says, as loudly as possible, is “I have more money than taste”. Better yet it’s largely made out of CFRP (Carbon Fibre Reinforced Plastic), which might explain the strange, waxy, inhuman look of our Shane’s face.
THE ROCK/CALL ME DWAYNE - HUMMER
Not just your standard giant-sized one, a mega-stretch Hummer, fitted with workout machines and a bar fridge stocked with protein shakes.
MILA KUNIS - FERRARI 458
Because it is simply perfection, and even standing next to one would make any man look good.
RYAN GOSLING - FERRARI 458
Because it is simply perfection, and even standing next to one would make any woman look good.
TAYLOR SWIFT - MAZDA MX-5
Mazda MX-5 - impossibly small, almost obscenely cute and a guilty pleasure for many men. You can also tell, just by looking at it, how much fun it would be to spend time with. The sporty Mazda MX-5, and deserving Wheels Car of the Year, even has ingenious speakers in the headrest so you can hear her belting out Shake It Off perfectly, even with the roof down.
BRAD PITT - HARLEY DAVIDSON
Yes, he’s a motorbike, probably a Harley, because no car is cool enough to be him.
NATALIE PORTMAN - TESLA MODEL 3
Sleek, stylish and unbelievably smart to boot (she’s been published twice in scientific journals, holds a PhD and was in three Star Wars movies, so she’s futuristic too), Natalie Portman also comes across as a practical type. She should be waiting in line for a Model 3 with everyone else.
DONALD TRUMP - TRAILER PARKED
Still, surely, more celebrity than politician. He’s not a car either, he’s a horse trailer, one that’s full of what horses leave behind.
BEN AFFLECK - VOLKSWAGEN GOLF
A diesel Golf would seem a good fit for the celebrity most people would like to punch. Hell, even Superman wants to beat him up. Like Affleck, the Golf is an attractive car, but there are just a few things about its emissions that make people squirm.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH - FORD RANGER
Obviously, Hemsworth is a Ford Ranger because he looks and seems entirely American - a pick-up truck, not a ute - but he was conceived and designed in Australia and can, if the role requires it, speak with an Aussie accent.
KYLIE MINOGUE - FIAT 500
Only a Fiat 500 is dainty and small-butted enough to represent the diminutive singing budgie, while its cheery, classy and stylish aura represents her always-smiling persona perfectly. The Fiat 500 is entirely European, of course, yet still popular here, and that’s Minogue all over.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR - TESLA MODEL S
It has to be a Tesla for the world’s most fantastically well-paid actor, although he could be any super-sleek, futuristic fun mobile you care to name (a BMW i8 seems a good fit too). Downey Jr has so cleaned up his early criminal act that we now see him as being synonymous with his Tony Stark/Iron Man character, which was heavily based on real-life tech-hero Elon Musk, who invented Tesla. Kismet.
HUGH JACKMAN - HOLDEN CASCADA
He’s Aussie as, right down to his seemingly unbreakable, unshakeable accent, and he still even lives here some of the time, so it has to be a Holden. But Hugh is not a Commodore man, and definitely not a HSV guy either, despite having played Wolverine, a character who would definitely drive a muscle car.
No, it has to be the Holden Cascada for the thespian who sings, dances, acts and has truly beautiful hair and a Men’s Health body to boot. It’s the perfect car for him because the badge is Aussie, but there’s a definite international flavour to it.
BRYAN BROWN - STATESMAN
A Holden Statesman, not only because he is Australian and a bit of an elder statesman himself, but because he actually owns and loves one, despite the fact that he could afford just about any car he likes. Onyer, Brian.
MEGAN GALE - MASERATI GRAN TURISMO
Gale is hugely popular in Italy, perhaps because there’s something uniquely Roman about her ethereal, Australian beauty. This purring, perfectly proportioned Italian car is all class and seductive power, just like Megan herself. Unlike her, however, it didn’t appear in Mad Max Fury Road, which was surely an oversight. We’d love to see one being fanged through a dangerous desert with Gale at the wheel.